Letter to Santa

Dear Santa,

You might be surprised to receive a letter from me since I have not sent you one for the last fifty-nine years, if memory serves me well.

I sincerely apologize for the lack of communication.

For a long time I considered letter to Santa as childish, and frankly, a waste of time, paper and postage. Then I started looking at the record of my grand children and was amazed of the effectiveness of the Santa Letter. I am no master of statistic but at last count their batting averages on Letters to Santa Vs. what end up under the tree is pretty darn good.

But first, with your permission I would like to discuss with you the issue of the lump of coal. Off course I am not expecting any, since on the criminal or just plain naughty department I score a way below average If I look at the activities reported by the newspaper and compare to my daily activities I come to the conclusion that I am actually involved in a rather boring life totally void of criminal excitement. Beside I know of a few people in Wyoming, Montana, Illinois etc. who must have been totally rotten and now own a tremendous amount of coal and seem perfectly happy about it. So the use of this stuff as a deterrent is counterproductive; and I am not even going to touch on the ecological issue. You are a fair-minded person and I know you will understand.

Now as far as my Christmas wishes are concerned : I am going to give you a wide list with the understanding that I do not expect everything but want to give a field of options. In spite of the real need to restart our economy most of my wishes cannot be bought in store.

So here we go.

1. Hip discomforts and flatulence got to go! After a long drive or a long period of time spent sitting on a hard seat I would like to be able to stand up without walking like a bad string marionette and the rest is not pleasant either. If you can take care of those two it would be swell.
2. All my life I dreamt to be one of those heroes climbing the Everest. However I am lazy and subject to procrastination. Beside, my service in the Navy punctuated by the regular NBC (Nuclear, Biological and Chemical) protection training gave me a strong aversion to any type of breathing apparatus. I also totally lack any kind of ability in the Nepalese language making communication with a trusty Sherpa very problematic. The fact that I do not believe my employer would be willing to give me the time needed is also a huge consideration. So, in view of all that, if you could regroup (for a short time off course) the Everest (and if that is not too much trouble the Anapurna, K2, Kilimandjaro, Mount Fuji and Mount McKinley) let say in Southern California (Camp Pendleton would be fine if you can work it out with the Marine Corp) and reduce them to a workable altitude of say..150 feet so a few friends and family can nail those bad guys in one after noon between burger and beer at noon and sauerkraut and bratwurst in the evening. I would be very grateful. Off course I will be sure that you receive all credit.
3. One afternoon with Ben Franklin, shooting the breeze over a pint of Colonial style Cider and one of those fine clay pipe filled with fine Virginia tobacco from before the time they turned that stuff into a chemical dump would be swell. I promise not to mention the stuff about all those parisien gals. What happen in Paris stays in Paris, sorry Vegas!
4. A 1960 Cadillac Coupe de Ville Convertible, non polluting and running on Biofuel would be grand. Love them fins!
5. Whats’his name, the dude from The Mentalist TV series having one episode during which he display either a wart on his face or snut hanging from his nose for the entire said episode. That request is for the purpose of allowing me one evening without having my sweet wife Jinny, Daughter Deb and the juvenile bulldog Mimi swooning each time that guy is shown on screen. I do not want the guy to sustain any permanent injury, just a chance to recalibrate the libido of the bunch. Would be really nice, thank you.
6. Once in a while, the Sun to go over the yardarm before five O’clock so I would not have to stand, very cold shaker in hand, in front of the liquor cabinet counting “four fifty nine and forty seconds, four fifty nine and fifty seconds… One Saturday a month at let say three O’clock would be just peachy, thank you.
7. Gas at thirty-five cents to the gallon would be super! I do not even need an attendant to clean my windshield and give me a cool printed glass.

If you could work any one or a combination of those it would be a great Christmas present and as you can see… no money to be spend in store nor waiting in line at the register.

Off course a terrific cookie and glass of milk will be waiting for you on Christmas Eve. I would leave you some of my terrific eggnog, but sorry Santa you’re driving. But I’ll give you a rain check on the eggnog!

Thank you for your kind attention.

Best regards

Dan Faye